if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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