This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
