I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
