Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
