I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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