Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
