I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
