When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
