i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
