Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Found the puke drawer
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
