I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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