You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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