I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
