forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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