Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
