Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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