i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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