There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I licked your asshole in confidence.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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