Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
