we have pet lesbian snakes
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
