I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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