my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
