he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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