I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
