his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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