Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
