I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
