I accidentally had phone sex last night
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
This is my life. Enjoy the view
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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