I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
