possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
