they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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