remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
