Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
