It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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