Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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