If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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