my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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