just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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