I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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