No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
