I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
