This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
