i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
