It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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