how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
they're like a gay fantastic four
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
