did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
