He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
