ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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