dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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