awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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