I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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