Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Your shirt... Was in my pants
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
